Is Premarital Counseling Worth It? It May Strengthen Your Marriage—or Change Your Mind

I wish I had gone to premarital counseling before my first marriage.

I was in my twenties, and looking back, there were signs we probably shouldn't get married. The relationship was never really great. But I didn't think about leaving. I came from a family where people stayed married — where relationships were hard sometimes, and when they got hard, you didn't give up, you worked harder. So that's what I did. My partner was carrying things from his own past that affected our relationship, and I thought if I loved him enough, understood him enough, supported him enough, eventually things would change.

I think a lot of people do this, especially when they're young. You don't see yourself as trying to change someone — you tell yourself you're being supportive, patient, committed. But underneath it, sometimes you're waiting for the person to become someone they aren't right now. I couldn't see that then.

Today, after many years of working with individuals and couples as a marriage and family therapist, I understand something I didn't understand in my twenties: you can really love someone and still not be right for each other. I wish someone had helped me look at that before I got married. That's one of the reasons I believe so strongly in premarital counseling today.

What Is Premarital Counseling Really For?

Premarital counseling isn't just therapy for engaged couples who are having problems. At its best, it gives two people a place to slow down and look honestly at the relationship they're about to commit to: How do we communicate? How do we fight? What do we expect from marriage? Do our values line up where it matters? How will we handle money, children, family involvement, intimacy? What did we each learn about relationships growing up?

And maybe the hardest question: are we choosing each other as we are — or are we expecting something important to change after we're married?

When I was younger, premarital counseling wasn't something people around me did. Therapy was for couples already in trouble — fighting constantly, an affair, someone wanting a divorce. Young people in love, planning a wedding, didn't go to therapy simply to talk about their relationship. I wish that had been normal.

Would it have stopped me from marrying? I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. But I think I would have asked better questions. At that age, my biggest question was basically do I love this person enough to make this work? That's not enough of a question.

Do You Need Premarital Counseling If Your Relationship Is Good?

No. Some of the couples I most enjoy working with come in and tell me, "We really don't have any big problems." Good — you don't need them. Premarital counseling isn't emergency couples therapy before the wedding.

Some couples come because things are going well, and they simply want to make sure they're talking about the things they should be talking about before making that commitment. I love when couples do that. They're not asking me to fix them — they're saying, "We're about to build a life together. Let's really look at what we're building."

You'd be surprised how many important things couples haven't talked about — not because they're hiding anything, but because life moves quickly. You're working, seeing friends, planning a wedding, figuring out logistics. Meanwhile, some very big questions can remain untouched.

What Should Couples Talk About Before Marriage?

There isn't one perfect checklist that works for every couple, but there are conversations I believe couples should have: family and upbringing, conflict, money, children, sex and intimacy, careers, religion or spirituality, roles and responsibilities, boundaries with extended family, expectations around fidelity — and each person's individual idea of what marriage itself is supposed to look like.

The point isn't that you need identical answers. You don't. The point is knowing where you agree, where you don't, and whether you can talk honestly about the differences.

Family and history. You are not just marrying a person — you're marrying someone who comes with a history, and so do you. We all come into relationships with ideas about what's "normal," and most of the time we don't even realize they're ideas; we think that's simply how things are done. Maybe your family talked about everything, or nobody talked about anything. Maybe anger was loud and over in ten minutes, or quiet and lasted three days. Maybe love was spoken, or it was shown by cooking dinner and fixing the car. Then you marry someone whose family did it completely differently — and suddenly you're not arguing about Thanksgiving, you're arguing about what family means. You're not arguing about a text message, you're arguing about what closeness means.

Those patterns don't disappear because you found the right person. We bring them with us — which is why I spend real time with couples on what love looked like in their house, what happened when someone was angry, who apologized, who had power, what they learned they had to do to be loved.

Conflict. I don't worry about a couple simply because they disagree — I'm actually more curious when a couple tells me "we never fight." Two different people, two different histories, and you never disagree? I want to know how you fight. Do you get louder, or shut down, or leave? Can you come back later and say "I didn't handle that well" — and actually apologize, without adding "but you..."? Can you repair? That matters more to me than whether you agree all the time.

A common pattern: one person wants to talk immediately, the other needs space. So one follows, the other pulls back — and the more one follows, the more the other retreats. Soon both are convinced the other is the problem. If you can recognize that pattern before marriage, you have a much better chance of doing something different with it.

Money. Not romantic, still essential. I'm not only interested in what each person earns — I want couples to talk about what money means to them. Maybe growing up with very little makes having savings feel like safety; maybe your partner grew up believing money is meant to be enjoyed. Neither is wrong, but put a saver and a spender together without talking about it and a credit card bill stops being just a credit card bill. Talk about debt, savings, spending, whether you'll combine finances, helping family members, what happens if one of you earns much more.

Children. Start with the obvious question — do you both want them? — but don't stop there. How many, and when? What happens if you have trouble conceiving? What kind of parent do you each think you'll be, and what do you want to repeat or not repeat from your own parents? Who stays home when a child is sick? Whose career takes the hit? You won't have all the answers, and life will change some of your plans anyway — that's fine. I'm not looking for a 20-year parenting contract. I want to see whether you can have the conversation.

Sex and intimacy. Couples can be surprisingly uncomfortable talking about this, even couples who are having sex. How much affection do you need? Can you say no without it being received as rejection? Can you tell your partner what you want, and when something isn't working? Your sex life will change over the course of a marriage — children, stress, bodies, exhaustion. You don't need to know what it looks like at 50 when you're marrying at 30. But you do need to know whether you can talk to each other about it.

How Important Are Shared Values Before Marriage?

You don't have to agree on everything — marriage would be terribly boring if we married copies of ourselves. But some differences aren't small: one person wants children and the other doesn't; one wants to live near family and the other wants to move across the country; one expects religion central to family life and the other wants none of it.

Sometimes couples know a difference like this exists but don't really deal with it — they assume they'll figure it out later, or worse, each person quietly assumes the other will eventually change their mind. That's something I want to know before the wedding. Not because couples need identical dreams, but because the lives they're imagining need to be able to fit together somehow.

Can Premarital Counseling Help You Decide Not to Get Married?

Yes — and I think we need to be able to say that openly. The purpose of premarital counseling shouldn't be to convince every couple to marry. My job isn't to decide whether two people should either. It's to help them look at their relationship honestly.

Most of the time, that brings couples closer — they understand why their partner reacts a certain way, they have conversations they'd been putting off, they realize a difference they were worried about isn't actually a threat.

Sometimes the conversation goes another way. Maybe someone realizes they've been waiting for their partner to change. Maybe one person wants children and the other has been saying "maybe" because they're afraid to say no. And by then there's often a wedding already in motion — the venue booked, the dress bought, plane tickets purchased. There can be enormous pressure to keep moving forward simply because you've already moved so far forward.

But none of that is a reason to marry. A canceled wedding is painful. Ending a relationship with someone you love is painful. But marrying someone because you're afraid to disappoint everyone else can create a much bigger kind of pain.

Sometimes premarital counseling makes a couple more certain. Sometimes it tells them they need more time. And sometimes it helps two people recognize they shouldn't marry each other. I don't consider that failed premarital counseling — I consider it important information, discovered at the right time.

The Question I Wish Someone Had Asked Me

The biggest red flag, for me, isn't that your partner has flaws — we all do. It's when the future of the relationship depends on your partner becoming significantly different from who they are today.

If you find yourself thinking once we're married, he'll... or when we have children, things will be different... or I know this is a problem now, but... — stop there for a minute. People do change; I see it happen all the time. But you cannot build a marriage around someone's potential. You are marrying the person sitting across from you now.

So one of the most useful questions you can ask yourself before marriage is: if this person stays basically who they are today, do I still want to marry them? Not if they become more affectionate. Not if they finally deal with their past. Not if they learn how to communicate. This person. Now. Would you choose them?

I wish someone had asked me that in my twenties.

Is Premarital Counseling Worth It?

I believe it is — not because it can guarantee a successful marriage, but because it gives couples something hard to create on their own: a structured place to have honest conversations before making a major commitment.

We prepare so much for one day — the venue, the dress, the flowers, the seating chart, sometimes tens of thousands of dollars — and then maybe no real conversation about what happens after everyone goes home. Enjoy the wedding. Make it beautiful. But prepare for the marriage too. Sit across from each other and talk about the things that aren't as fun as choosing a honeymoon: money, family, sex, children, careers, what scares you, what you need when you're hurt, what you think a husband or wife is supposed to be — and the things you're already worried about but haven't wanted to bring up.

You don't need a crisis to do this. You don't even need an "issue." You just need to be two people who understand that loving each other and building a life together are not exactly the same thing.

Why I Love Doing This Work

Maybe I feel strongly about premarital counseling because I know what it's like not to have it — what it's like to be young and think that trying harder is always the answer. Now I get to sit with couples before they make this enormous commitment and give them space to slow down.

Some of my favorite moments are small: one person says something, and the other looks over and says, "I didn't know that." They've been together for years, and still, there's something they didn't know. That's relationships — we never completely finish learning another person.

Premarital counseling won't guarantee your marriage lasts. I wouldn't trust anyone who promised that. It won't prevent you from fighting, changing, disappointing each other, or going through hard times. But it can help you understand what you're choosing before you choose it. It can help you see your partner more clearly — and maybe yourself, too. It can help you recognize the strengths you already have and the places you need to do some work. And sometimes it helps you recognize something you don't particularly want to see. That's valuable too.

Because the goal isn't just to make it to the wedding. The goal is to have a relationship that still makes sense when the wedding is long over. And if you're going to promise someone a life together, it's worth having some very honest conversations first.

If any of this sounds familiar — if you're planning a wedding and haven't had these conversations yet, or you're just not sure where to start — I'd love to help you have them.

Reach out and let's talk about what premarital counseling could look like for you.